[The following column appeared in the print edition of The Morning Sentinel/Kennebec Journal, Saturday, May 30, 2009.]

Everyone is talking about marriage. In the lead up to the gay marriage law and now the effort to put it all to an end before it even starts, marriage is the topic of the day. But, listen to the various opinions and perspectives, and one thing is clear to me: we are not talking about the same thing. Somehow-and it really shouldn't come as any surprise-marriage has come to mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people.

For some, the model of marriage comes from the Bible, yet marriage has clearly become a cornerstone to our public lives, where the separation of Church and State is supposedly important. And, even in the Bible, we find a range of marriage and relationship models. In the Hebrew Scriptures, there is polygamy and, gasp, sexual relationships outside of marriage. In the New Testament, Paul actually appears to argue that marriage is not the ideal state for the follower of Jesus, since those who marry are distracted from the work of the Lord-although it is better to marry than to burn with the flames of passion (see 1 Corinthians 7). But, on the other hand, 1 Timothy indicates that church officials, bishops and deacons, demonstrate how well they will manage the household of God by how well they manage their own household. So, are those denominations that require celibacy of their bishops doing it wrong?

In the current debate, one hears a wide spectrum of what marriage seems to mean to modern people. For some, marriage is about companionship, whether life-long or for an extended part of life's journey. For others, marriage is about creating a family-having or adopting children and rearing those children (hopefully) in a loving, stable environment. Families not only benefit the members of that family, but promote good citizens for the community at large. For still others, marriage is a kind of temporal symbol of the relationship between Christ and the church.

All of these definitions have their good points. But, each has its problems as well.

Let's begin with children, which is a big topic in the current debate. I'll admit that it's a big contributing factor to my desire to get married. It was to have children and to rear them in a loving, stable environment, not only to benefit them, but myself as well. Family life isn't perfect, but it's about the best way I can see for the living of my adult life.

But, children bring up lots of issues. I know plenty of same gender couples who have children. And those families are loving and stable. Conversely, I know married, heterosexual couples whose families clearly are not stable or loving. And, what about those couples whose marriages end in divorce? And, what about women who have children outside of marriage?

And then there is this question: what about heterosexual couples who brazenly get married without any intention of having children? Shall we insist that couples seeking marriage promise to procreate, or adopt if they are unable to procreate themselves? What about couples where the woman has gone through menopause? Shall we deny them marriage?

In the definition of marriage being a temporal symbol of the relationship between Christ and the Church, well, that sounds really religious to me. For people who choose to get married at the courthouse or by a justice of the peace, are they really "married," if not married in the eyes of God?
Questions abound. And, because this is such an emotional issue, it can be difficult to have a conversation about the topic without feelings getting hurt or, worse, recriminations being thrown around. But, no matter where you think you stand on the issue of marriage, this is an important time for reflection and discussion.

It is simply not enough to cling to "tradition," especially since that tradition really has no footing itself. Definitions of marriage have evolved over time. If we are honest, we must also admit that the Bible does not provide a neat, monolithic definition. So, are we left on our own? I don't think so. I believe the Holy Spirit is present, ready to lead if only we could let down our guard enough to follow.

May 30, 2009 - Marriage Questions